I HAD A BABY! Part One:


So my due date the 8th February FINALLY came around, coincidentally my daughter Ella’s fourth birthday so naturally we were trying to be normal and give her a happy day whilst absolutely SHITTING OURSELVES.


We spent the day on tenterhooks whilst trying to give the little lady a wonderful birthday! She opened mountains of presents; skipped merrily to pre-school, played with her friends, had a marvellous tea party at Grandma’s eating cake – what more could she possible want? At bedtime, we read her new school book ‘Dad’s Birthday’ by Roderick Hunt, an absolutely top Biff, Chip and Kipper book! I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight when suddenly she realised what hadn’t happened. “Mum, my little brother isn’t here! Didn’t he want to share his birthday with me?” I explained, maybe he wasn’t ready and he will choose when his birthday should be, inside though I was screaming “COME OUT PLEASE I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BURST SOON FOR FUCKS SAKE!” But you know, that might’ve freaked her out a bit.

So Ella had a great day, I on the other hand had a quick trip to the midwife which resulted in a stretch and sweep (If you’re unfamiliar with the term then google it, unless you’re of a nervous disposition/ may have one in the near future – you may scare the shit out of yourself) lucky me also had the pleasure of a student midwife observing. This was the moment my dignity officially left the building, there was no waiting outside the room whilst I undressed and carefully placed a sheet over myself. Oh no I dropped my kegs and laid on the bed and told myself to think happy thoughts. Now, I know my midwife quite well now. She has been my midwife throughout both of my pregnancies so I know how she rolls, if by the time she’s elbow deep she thinks you’re ready to pop she’ll go for it. And oh she went for it, Richard held my hand but I don’t think he expected me to squeeze it quite so tightly. The verdict – 80% effaced and 2cm dilated. The waiting game continued…

We waited and waited, to cheer me up Richard went to M&S and bought us the Valentine’s Day ‘Dine in for two’ including the bottle of wine in the hope that by the time V Day rolled around I would have popped and be able to enjoy a glass. Well, by Saturday 11th February he was that sick of looking at my miserable face he said it was time we ate the food. Which was sooo good.


Sunday 12th Feb: Ella’s Birthday Party

I was most unenthusiastic as I was quite frankly MASSIVE, Grandma had organised it because she thought I was mean not giving her a party despite the fact we had no idea if I’d even be present. It wasn’t great, two of the kids that came had food allergies which they neglected to tell us about and then moaned about the food on offer – I’M NOT MYSTIC FUCKING MEG! Anyway, two hours of my life I won’t get back but Ella loved it, we went home via McDonald’s drive through and snuggled all afternoon on the sofa and she painted my nails using her nail varnish.


Despite the fact I was so unbelievably fed up, I was determined not go down the route so many do trying to force their bodies into labour by doing all these extreme and ridiculous methods that inevitably won’t work because: BABIES COME WHEN THEY’RE READY NOT BECAUSE YOU HAD A VINDALOO AND GAVE YOURSELF DIARRHEA WHICH YOU CLAIMED TO BE YOUR ‘CLEAR OUT’.



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