So, I’ve thought long and hard about writing this post. As you may know, I gave birth to my baby boy just shy of five weeks ago and it couldn’t have gone any smoother. The sense of achievement I have felt after the birth of both of my children is astounding! It’s so cliché because everyone says boring shit like that, but it is so true.
This being said, now we have settled into life as a four and I have come back down to earth from my happy little rest on cloud nine and well, I’m not afraid to admit that I’m feeling a little lost. Which I don’t understand. I had such a traumatic time after the birth of my daughter. Parenthood hit me like a tonne of bricks and I was totally unprepared. Unprepared for the exhaustion, unprepared for the loneliness, unprepared for losing my social life almost entirely and unprepared for the little person that would entirely depend on me round the clock for the rest of my days. I was just so young and naïve. But why have some of those feelings crept back into my mind?
I’m not 19 years old anymore, I no longer live with my parents after returning to live with them and losing all of my independence, I don’t have the terrors of being a first time mum on my shoulders, I get plenty of sleep in comparison, basically I feel like I’ve got my shit together.
Taking all the above into consideration, why did I spend a whole day in my bed sobbing last week! Uncontrollable, inconsolable, pathetic tears just came over me and would not stop. Was it just hormones? Was it more than that? Who knows. I’m pretty sure my partner Rich had absolutely no idea what to say to me. He told me I was being ridiculous and that I’m a great mum to which I just blurted out ‘But I’m JUST a mum!’
One of the biggest things I have struggled with when having both of my children is losing my identity, though I love being a mum and of course adore my children I have always found it difficult adjusting to life with a tiny human totally dependent on you to support their every need. I don’t find the practicalities of parenting difficult, but rather mentally adjusting to the monotony that comes with day to day life with a new-born. I’ve always worked and worked bloody hard. I’ve worked around the clock day in day out and when my life has occasionally dealt me a bad hand – I’ve used my job as an escape. So, as you can imagine, sitting around in my dressing gown day in day out watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning AND Loose Women was a MASSIVE shock to the system.
These changes have left me asking the same questions:
Who am I?
Am I just a mum?
When you have a baby does your identity just disappear?
Will the real me every come back?
Do I even know who that is anymore?
And here’s the big one … What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?
Followed by – Stop being a dick Emily for fucks sake!
I can’t even believe I am asking myself these questions because I’ve been through all this before and come out the other side. I know I’m not going to ever have this much time off from work to do whatever the hell I want to do. I know I’m never going to have the life I had before my kids but am I really that bothered. No I probably won’t ever be able to drink a bottle of vodka before I go out out and dance all night and spend Sunday’s hungover eating my body weight in McDonald’s with my friends again. I probably won’t just go for a spontaneous weekend away with Rich just because. But I think I just need to get a grip and reflect on who I am and just pretend that person is on hiatus whilst I adapt to raising and nurturing my precious baby boy and watch my little girl grow and flourish.
I’m going to think long and hard about who I really am, what makes me tick, what ignites that fire in my belly, where do I want to be in 5 years time? What are my goals? How can I achieve them? How can I be a successful working mother? Maybe we all need to ask ourselves these questions from time to time so that we can be the best version of ourselves we can be. Perhaps, these questions depend on how I really feel about myself.
Basically, my body has grown and birthed two amazing children. The most remarkable experiences of my life thus far. So how can I ever feel sad that I am ‘Just a mum’. Being a mum means I have two people that have entirely depended on me for their whole little lives and will always look up to me and love me no matter what, so I really need to make sure I’m the best version of me I can be and fulfil all my goals so they can too!
Watch this space, because the real me is fucking sassy!
*Please note: I know this is a shit blog post but I needed a little rant!