To appease the identity crisis, I have been facing lately in the weeks since the birth of my son, I thought it would be a good opportunity to write down everything that I know about me. Forgive me if this seems absurd or just plain boring, but I want to know who I am, what makes me tick because I have already forgotten. I rarely have time to think about my own bowel movements these days never mind what I’m passionate about, my ambitions, hopes, dreams etc. And to be honest what do I even like anymore!

I suppose it is also a good chance for anyone reading this to know and understand me better so please bear with me and don’t judge some of the scandalous things I may write – I jest, my life is so boring, but there may be some surprises to you and me!

  • I was born on the 25th February.
  • I’m 24
  • I am a mum – I imagine that is fairly obvious but, I have a daughter named Ella who is 4 and a son Arlo who is 6 weeks and 3 days old.
  • I was a teen mum, just – 19 years, 11 months and 14 days to be exact.
  • I am a post-natal depression sufferer and more importantly survivor.
  • I’m overweight and have bad body image.
  • I hate my own company and I hate being alone.
  • I love stationery, if you ever walk past a Paperchase with me – hold me back you’ll never get me out.
  • I swear like an old fish wife and I fucking love it. (Sorry if you’re offended but it makes me feel better!)
  • People not from the North can’t understand me and my Yorkshire accent, which is hilarious because I was born in Eastbourne, East Sussex.
  • I am the youngest of four siblings and the only girl, yes that’s right 3 older brothers. But it’s alright because I’m the favourite.
  • I have a catalogue addiction, I will buy ANYTHING from a catalogue.
  • I shout. A lot.
  • I like rosé wine… by the bottle. After two bottles, I need to go to bed before I pray to the porcelain Buddha.
  • If I’ve taken my bra off, I’m not going out. Don’t invite me anywhere, I can’t come sorry my boobs have been given their freedom now – I can’t take that away from them.
  • My gut instinct is nearly always right, in fact I sometimes compare myself to Mystic Meg.
  • I think about dieting nearly every day, I’m all or nothing. All of the snacks or none. But a life without doughnuts is no life at all in my opinion.
  • I met my fiancé when I was 16 years old, love at first sight for me. Shame it took four years of stalking for him to feel the same way, cringe.
  • He did give me two Lyle and Scott t-shirts and sprayed them with aftershave and I treasured these for YEARS. Bigger cringe. So 2009.
  • I worked as a carer for nearly five years and I loved it, but I found the hours too hard after juggling mum life and work life for 2 years.
  • I don’t often tell people how I really feel but when I do, my God you’ll know about it.
  • Arctic Monkeys are my favourite band, of all time! I have been lucky enough to see them loads of times.
  • I am slightly in love with Matt Helders
  • Do me a favour is my favourite Arctic Monkeys song ever ever ever – and yes I cry nearly every time.
  • I love naps. I could nap all day every day. Naps are so much more appreciated when you have kids.
  • I got a place at the Fashion Retail Academy when I was 17 but couldn’t find ANYWHERE to live so I couldn’t go and I cried for weeks. I dropped out of Sixth Form for that too so no A Levels.
  • I used to work at a call centre for Yell and in the year I worked there said: “Hi, It’s Emily from the Yellow Pages…” approximately 25,000 times. No joke, I worked that out during one boring shift.
  • I’ve had four jobs in my life, they have all been totally different and the majority of them were a bit shit.
  • Pornstar Martinis are my favourite cocktail. Anything that comes with a shot is ideal.
  • I have the worst mood swings, I can go from sassy to sadistic in about 4.7 seconds.
  • I’ve moved house 5 times in 5 years and every time I kick off and say “I’M NOT MOVING EVER AGAIN!” But then I see a new house and think yesssss let’s do it.
  • On the rare evenings, my kids go to bed on time and my house is quiet, I like to watch Sprinkle of Glitter and Brummy Mummy’s youtube videos on my telly because I love them so much and pretend they’re my friends. Not even sorry, they are both AMAZING.
  • I used to take Ella to Pets at Home to see the rabbits but we had to stop going once she realised you could buy them and take them home, mean mummy.
  • I don’t care how pathetic this sounds… I LOVE green bin day! Every other Tuesday I feel so optimistic and excited about all the crap I can throw away.
  • I make the best poached eggs. If it’s not runny in the middle it goes in the fucking bin.
  • If you fart in my presence I will laugh uncontrollably. I blame growing up with 3 brothers.
  • I don’t care what I end up doing in life as long as I am as successful as I can be.
  • If I’m having a tough time I will throw myself into my work and work even harder than normal to get over whatever is bothering me.
  • I need a holiday, I haven’t been on one since I went on a girl’s 18-30’s holiday to Malia 4 years ago, where I got really drunk every night and cried on the phone to Rich.
  • I’m terrible with money. I can’t budget, I can’t save. If I want it I will have it.
  • I love Stevie Wonder and Billy Joel.
  • I get serious FOMO alllllllllll the time. (Fear of missing out –  if you were unsure…)
  • When I was 18 me and my friend got a flat together and we lived there for a year, it was SHAMAZINGGGGGG… until I got knocked up and moved back to my parent’s house and sobbed.
  • The birth of both my kids were the greatest experiences of my life and the biggest highs, which makes me realise that actually even thought it can be pretty shit. These two little humans have made me who I am. So here is a picture of them and my most recent picture. To show that all the aforementioned points make me who I am. Amen!
  •  

So yeah, happy Thursday. Cheers!

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